Drafts, Musings and maybe for.....

(Note to self, never write after midnight with a glass of wine.  You don't even understand what you wrote)

1st Drafts.....

 **Rude Words (sigh)

I am getting sick and tired of these words insisting I write them down, for days they have used my mind to rudely stomp around. My impatient words have no mercy, patience, or empathy, just a loud insistence I give them life somewhere, anywhere so others can read.

What is there left to say, I ask them aloud. Do you really want me to keep writing, so I look even more like a foolish clown? I would never do anything to compromise those one in a million rhymes; even if reality moved them to the bookshelf holding the “who was that, who done it” mystery books of a lifetime.

Waiting patiently silent, and alone for God to order my steps, humbly trying to do the right thing no matter how frustrated anyone gets. I believe in my heart if I did it any other way, God would forgive but man would remember and silently distrust what I had to say.

**Aftermath of The Storm

She raised her head and looked around, the storm had passed and the sky was clear with no more thunderous sounds. God's soft voice spoke to her heart, "Just stop, don't worry, trust Me, your fears have been unfounded even from the start."

"Be patient, kind and forgiving, to yourself and don't look back again, I have your best interests and a wonderful life planned. You are an imperfect girl with a wounded heart, trying not to get hurt again by what you perceived as vain imaginations surrounding your new start." (relax, no matter what it will be okay)

Then she felt God hug her with forgiveness, mercy and grace. She was able to stop looking down and lift her face. She prayed she would not stop trusting God's perfect timing. So towards the mountains she ran trusting Him as she kept climbing.

**Second Looks

She knelt at the altar once again, leaving her confusion and what was most precious to her in God's hands.  (that night?) She tossed and turned and at midnight wrote nonsense in a book, when daylight came the fears had lessened so she almost took a second look. 

No reason to look again, they were right  and she was wrong, until that day, she would be quiet and have nothing more to say. Her little ship had been crushed because she had sailed too soon.  If she had only been patient and slowed down she would have avoided the ice melting monsoon.

**Do We Have The Full Story?

We all have a choice with news stories, gossip, photos, and videos we may see.  So many times they miss the mark of truth so we have to give time, time, to see what is reality.  Maybe there’s more to the story or maybe in time you'll find out there’s way less.  When you find out it was never them so a new paper cut leaves a mess.

Be careful with what you don’t know,  don’t always assume the worst about which way someone's life is going to go (even if it seems to move slow).   For the moment, based on what you see, you may be right but what if you are wrong.  Once time does it's thing you may have picked the wrong song. 

However, for now, until that day, there is nothing else for the mind to go on, so the song is right and the writer (poet) (poem) is wrong.  

**Death and Forgiveness

 It’s humbling to watch forgiveness step in so I can help, even for enemies when they are surrounded by impending death.  Helping to hold the hand of one so dear, watching her struggle to take a breath, (scared to death)  choosing to stay and help....even though I no longer belong. (she no longer belongs here)

Mercy’s Angel can help all of us make a former enemy, with time and forgiveness, a friend.  God with his infinite wisdom, and mercy has helped me forgive (him) (them) (even him) (even them) (now a friend) so I can step in.  

 Well, what does that mean, nothing…except, for one walking into a new life, there are no roots of bitterness anywhere to be seen.  (clean) (dream) (mean) (unseen)  for those letting go of this world, no regrets in their fields grown in life will be gleaned.

  **Crushing Ice Wins

(sigh) Once again she walked towards a church seeking refuge not far from her little ship.  She wanted to hurry but forced herself to slow down so she wouldn't trip. The sounds of the growing ice cracking and squeezing were so loud and strong, (like a growing list of (scary and cold songs) (old scary movie songs) )  

The small church came into view, candles lit the windows and she settled into one of the pews.  There were couples all around her holding hands and saying prayers, she had seen them together again and was happy they were there. (They had their special someone for years) (a confusing line of (feats, tears, heat….dear)

 She knelt at the altar once again, leaving her confusion and what was most precious to her in God's hands.  (that night?) She tossed and turned and at midnight wrote nonsense in a book, when daylight came the fears had lessened so she almost took a second look. 

No reason to look again, they were right  and she was wrong until that day, she would be quiet and have nothing more to say. Her little ship had been crushed because she had sailed too soon.  If she had only been patient and slowed down she would have avoided the ice melting monsoon.

 Just A Little (edited) 

I am blessed and cursed at the same time. Rarely do I feel “just a little," a blessing creating images and words placed by my heart in my mind. I am cursed by the imagination that follows the images I carry with me throughout the day. Sometimes cold and unyielding displayed in my eyes that can cut even the bold, other times so intoxicating I can barely walk unless it is towards the one I need to fall into and hold.

There are days, like TODAY, when music must be placed on mute no matter where I am, too often it’s words and notes draw me into vain imaginations I can’t escape like sinking sands. The silence steadies my heart, my mind, and my feet, I can walk again in freedom, the sand disappears and I am standing strong on what is real and concrete.

If the water I choose to sail on is seasoned with the right amount of salt, I can float forever and never touch the sand. If it is too fresh and empty, I will grow weary and be forced to return to dry land. I long for the seasoned waters keeping me afloat in life’s waves, you never know how big they’ll be, bringing good and bad surprises depending on the day.

(78 days of drafts) 

Change, what a ginormous word you are, Sara thought, everyone is impacted by the meaning no matter how close or far.  The cost of ignoring you can be beyond measure, if recognized too late, dreams can disappear like stolen treasure.  

Your never too rich, too poor, too smart, too silly, too serious, too old or too young to miss the mark, we all have all ignored you, forced to live with results that tore us apart. The cost of needed change is sometimes high and sometimes low, I suppose that dictates how serious our thoughts and conversations about it go. 

Change can come in an instant we all have learned, forcing you to stop and learn to breathe again while figuring out which way to turn.  I am surprised at how long certain changes can take, learning to look to God for the strength to patiently wait. 

Despite my great big "brave" words about not being scared of being alone, it is still scary having no idea where you will settle and have a home.  Where will the Christmas Tree and all it's presents go, how can I best stay close to friends and loved ones I know?

But please God, hear my heart, I am ready to do whatever you ask.  I love you and trust you to give me the strength no matter the task.  So help me raise these broken sails so I can set my ship's course, they were right, so I want to listen and line up my will with yours.

 Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.  Plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 

(445 days of drafts)

Just in case the Captain looked her way, Sara took a moment to celebrate him even though his circumstances required she sail away.   God  had blessed Sara with his kind, humble and wise eyes.  The thought of them would "always" warm her heart when looking at the moon at night.

 She prayed and asked God to bless The Captain this year, to protect him with angels  so he never face anything at sea bringing fear.  To make his hikes easy with glorious sights to make him smile, and strength to help him walk no matter how many the miles.   

She knew he would be surrounded by his love and shipmates with good food and laughter, she hoped someone played his  favorite music so loud it shook the rafters.   What a kind, caring Captain he was with a generous  heart, Sara believed it was gratitude for his blessings  leading him to start.

Happy Birthday she whispered to the moon, she hoped one day she can hug his neck and say thank you but she knew for now, there was no room.

Ephesians 4:2  With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love,

 “The Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in him.” – Psalms 37:23 

 “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” – Luke 6:31 

 “Not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.” – Philippians 2:4 

(378 days of drafts)

Pitter patter, she did not want to miss them; pitter patter came down the rain. But Sara knew down deep inside, nothing would ever be the same. Pitter patter, pitter patter, she thanked God they were sent at just the right time. They sailed into her world with eyes reflecting a soul that was humble and kind.

Her reality, unknown to many, even those who loved her so, were words like, unloved, untouched, and "almost" broken, silently carried wherever Sara would go. Her heart trusted them with her words and hidden truth. Maybe just an illusion of support, but it brought joy, like fresh flowers, to her eyes God made blue.

Pitter patter, the rain became heavy with reality’s soft blowing wind. Sara’s heart was beginning to accept instead of a new love; she had made a new friend. Pitter patter, pitter patter she smiled, it was only a fairy tale written in her mind; besides, she had gotten stuck on which spelling to use, is it entwined or intwined?

Her cabin shook with the sound of thunder while lightning lit up the ocean waves, more words had come to her pen and with their perceived support Sara quietly let the world know what she had to say. Maybe, there was no support or caring thought in their mind, if so, her heart told a lie, and her instincts had been blind.

But regardless of whether it was real, maybe yes or maybe no, for a while it was truth to her and no one else need ever know. A loyal friend Sara would remain, even it in the end she found out she was talking to no one and thus...insane. LOL

How do I account for all of this? To Sara it seemed a one in a million chance, but now she was sure she was not the only one who found themselves in the same circumstance. Who cares she thought, I needed them more than they will ever know, without their perceived love and support God only know if she would have had the strength to......, well we will never know. :)

Isaiah 4:6 God will provide be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the STORM and RAIN.        

(done)

So many loved ones have gone on before me, there are days I feel holidays are sad and empty.  But we were the lucky ones born into the arms of family who adored us.  For years we lingered under their loving gaze, being cute, funny and lovable was a ?plus?.

We never did one thing wrong in their eyes, we were loved and our hugs were a sought after prize.  Most if not all have gone towards Heaven's pathway, watching us from above knowing they will see us again one day.

The Bible tells us, a year for the Lord in heaven time, is a thousand years here on earth, about 15 minutes heaven time between our earthly death and birth.  So our loved one's smile, and unseen pat our hands, they know they will see us in about five minutes when in heaven our souls will land.

So we have to choose not to be sad because they are all gone.  In  just a few  minutes we will be with them and Jesus, never to be parted again, so hang on. I love all things Thanksgiving, turkey, gravy, hard boiled eggs, green beans, fresh baked rolls, fried okra and especially handmade stuffing.  

2 Peter 3:8 But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. (NASB)

 (1st draft)

When emptiness stirs and ache for belonging fills your heart, run quickly to My Throne. I am always here, don't forget you are never alone.  Show me your sad blue eyes and tell me of the longing in your soul. I will do over and above all that you would do for the children you love and your tears, I will hold. 

In My Throne room you will find real love's satisfaction, not a temporary moment-to-moment thing easily left behind by the newest distraction.  You will feel secure like the children holding your hand on scary rides.  My love will not come and go like the ever changing tides.

Look up at me with trusting blue eyes the same way little children look up at you. Little eyes looking up with simple trust, NEVER doubting you love them too. I know your struggles and through mercy's eyes I see your wayward heart. Run to me precious girl, I will always wipe your tears and give you a clean start.

On earth you will not find perfect love without flaws, love's thorns will crush and disappoint you, sometimes without cause. Mistakes are made every day so hold close to reality, the gentle growth of true love takes time for its roots to burrow deep and be a healthy tree.

What I do may not look like Me, it may confuse you, scare you or ask you to wait but choose to trust Me. Choose to trust in My love of your smile and laughter with a wild heart running free.  I will show you the good and fill in all the missing pieces, in exchange to see your blue eyes shine surrounded by joy's creases.

When I send love, you will know it came from me, he asked me for your heart and I lovingly agreed. So, see them for who they are through the eyes of mercy and grace, allowing them to be imperfect just like you, with your flaws, your failures and yes, your mistakes.

But, run to me like a child who scraped her knee.  I am always here watching until that day I call you home to be with me.  15 minutes "Heaven Time" is all I will allow earth to enjoy your soul.  When you get here you and your heart will never again grow old.

2 Peter 3:8 But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. (NASB)

Proverbs 31:30  Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.

 I woke to the sunlight with its beams dancing on my eyes, I sensed my heart had finally changed to my great surprise. Thank God you are gone, in my mind, in my heart and my soul. You don’t live here anymore, and I hallelujah ….I still feel whole.

I never thought it would happen, I never thought I would feel this way but for now, for today, I don’t have anything left to say. Back and forth and round and round, running my heart’s pen through my brain, but no sad, tearful and lonely words can be found. 

You, "Mr. Fear of Being Alone”’ kept me bound in a place I no longer belonged. I sit and wonder how many poor souls you have kept from moving along. Fear of the future and being put back into the wrong cage, well my darling sweet, cute as a button, friendly, fluffy older dog,…I am proud of you because all of that has slipped and gone away.

Free to roam and go jump in a lake while learning to cook or maybe bake cakes. My mind is free to wander to the north, east, west or even south with the trips I can take. What if I do more than wander in my brain, traveling with less than one bag so baggage claim can’t make me insane??!! 

Goodbye "Mr. Fear of Being Alone" in this big world, God and dear, dear friends have got both hands of this fragile little fuzzy, wuzzy girl.  

Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart and lean not unto your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him (Him who loves me) and He will direct your paths.

She had no right but wondered how was her kind friend in her heart.  Sara want to ask, but circumstances made that first coffee conversation impossible to start.  God put on display a super moon the other night, she stared at it along with the stars and wondered, how many others...were blinded by it's light. (lots and lots  LOL)

She smiled knowing they were resting safely with their loved one in a quiet, private place.  She hoped being well loved kept a peaceful continence hovering on their face.  Well deserved after everything they had been through, it was good to see that life and love in their life God had restored and made new.   

Sara continued to sail on through choppy waters relieved to see the sun rising to light the day. Fighting off impatience as she headed towards a simple, peaceful life in her little bay.  Would her friends and loved ones be there to greet her little ship, let her rest on a new blanket and hold her hand so she wouldn't slip?

So much prayer, so many tears finally producing a miracle friendship with honestly to last for many years, but for the little ship it kept sailing on because......(hum, what rhymes with ?)

Thank you Sir, you are too kind, but I think that fourth beer made you late night, dim bar lights, blind.  I am not a young girl and there are scars and wrinkles on my face, you might be disappointed if I woke up tomorrow morning at your place.  

See these boots, like Nancy said, they are made for walking.  I'm only here for line dancing, I am not a snob but I don't feel like talking.  Yes, I heard you, "nothing better than a pair of wrangler jeans", but I am not looking around this place for anyone or anything.

Yes, I do like your big ol' cowboy hat but my feelings don't go any deeper than that.  This heart needs to be alone for a little while, smiling with an occasional tear while planning for a new life and life style. 

Your lucky I don't go grab that new cattle prod you keep bragging about in your truck, ....(so many interesting choices of words to complete this rhyme)

When I am done with it you might say you will really "feel" down on your luck.  LOL

Just kidding, don't be scared, it was just a joke, I would never use this shinny new cattle prod and give anyone a poke.  So, see you later Mr. Cowboy Hat, here's your cattle prod, I just want to dance, dance dance, with nothing more serious than that.