these Chairs Are So uncomfortable

Change, what a ginormous word you are, Sara thought, everyone is impacted by the meaning no matter how close or far.  The cost of ignoring you can be beyond measure, if recognized too late, dreams can disappear like stolen treasure.  

Your never too rich, too poor, too smart, too silly, too serious, too old or too young to miss the mark, we all have all ignored you, forced to live with results that tore us apart. The cost of needed change is sometimes high and sometimes low, I suppose that dictates how serious our thoughts and conversations about it go. 

Change can come in an instant we all have learned, forcing you to stop and learn to breathe again while figuring out which way to turn.  I am surprised at how long certain changes can take, learning to look to God for the strength to patiently wait. 

Despite my great big "brave" words about not being scared of being alone, it is still scary having no idea where you will settle and have a home.  Where will the Christmas Tree and all it's presents go, how can I best stay close to friends and loved ones I know?

But please God, hear my heart, I am ready to do whatever you ask.  I love you and trust you to give me the strength no matter the task.  So help me raise these broken sails so I can set my ship's course, they were right, so I want to listen and line up my will with yours.

 Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord.  Plans for your welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 

This week's tasks had been rewarding and  challenging at the same time but her family needed help and it was time to go back east.  So many beautiful photos had been taken while working and visiting dear friends up and down west coast waters.    

Looking back she could see why she believed but just like a ghost she never really knew if it was real.   The ship sighting equally exciting and frightening as it cut through the water,(like crowds of people on a sidewalk) with it's silent keel.

She would grow in how she writes and takes photographs, so regardless of who or what they were, she would "always" be grateful.  They gave her courage and changed her forever.  "I am too strong now to ever go back to sleeping on a back porch" she thought, 

 (and to wrap it all up in an AABB rhyme) 

"Once my sails are repaired I will wait for the right winds to take me to the next place.  Hopefully somewhere with at least two or three friends with smiles on their face."

Yee Haw

If you logged on, its your fault so now you have to read my 3rd trip hospital ramblings.  

(As you read, hum Whitesnake's song "Here I Go Again" for extra points)

They keep searching for an answer but the doctor never seems to find what he is looking for. Oh Lord, give me the strength to not hurt anybody today, cause I know what this means... I will be sleeping on this couch while I dream.

Here we are again (3rd time) in this hospital room on our own, praying the doctor fixes this so we can go home.  Hanging on to the promises from the nurse yesterday but I've made up my mind, their lyinnnngggggg and we will be here for a long time.  

It's my mom who needs a rescue, waiting on MRI's sweet clarity, and I'm gonna sit here on my cute little ass for the rest of the day, cause I know what this all means, yep, you know it, I will be sleeping again on this couch while I dream.

So here I go on my own, going down to the cafeteria alone.  Like a zombie, with no sleep, I stumble along alone.  But I've made up my mind, I ain't eating salad one more time.

I am exhausted, tomorrow is my birthday and I am praying she does not die on that day.  Well, wait, I guess that would mean it was her heavenly birthday so I suppose her reuniting with Dad again wouldn't be a bad thing.....  The truest form of everlasting love I have ever personally witnesses.  I grew up in in the middle of that "everlasting"  so I am blessed to know what it look like.   Even if I never get to feel it myself.  

Did you know that you can still watch The Golden Girls, Barney, Gunsmoke and The Waltons?  Did you know all the news channels say the same thing, OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER?  Do you ever wonder how long hamburgers have been sitting out when you walk into a restaurant? Not usually, but here you do.  LOL

Goodbye little web page workshop lab... until the next rant and ravings.

If you IDKWYA logged on, its your fault so now you have to read my nighttime hospital room ramblings.  Sometimes written AABB, sometimes XYZ or 123 Who Cares type of rhyme

Familiar Heart Beeps

Here I am sitting next to a hospital bed again listening to familiar heart beeps, but this time it is my sweet mom.  Two months ago a stroke, now a heart attack brings me back to one of the places I used to call home.  It is late and I am writing.... 

Tonight's writings won't be about rainbows, sunshine and unicorn farts.  Well it might be, I am exhausted and who am I kidding, I can be way deeper and way, way funnier than even "I" can understand.

Some of my plans changed with that stroke and with this, everything has been put on hold. She doesn't have the strength to make the move we planned so we will wait no matter how long it takes.  I will stay right here for now, but in a new way because I have become very strong and bold.  

 "I can't imagine life without her" but I have said that about so many loved ones, especially my Dad, who have gone on before me.  God held  my hand and heart through it all.  I trust Him to hold me again when I lose her.  

I told God today how angry and hurt I am going to be when He takes her and that I will probably act like a big baby.  L O L  

He whispered back to my heart that He already knew and understood.  He reminded me through His word, He was the God who loved me with the purest from of everlasting love. He created me just like I am and I could cry, rest or throw a temper tantrum because  I am one of His most of all.  

I am stubborn so you can count on me following my re-awakened writing while chasing my hobby photographing the circus life I used to lead.  Its was over 25 years ago when I walked away, yet my heart still pounds with excitement and joy being around those beautiful machines.  BUT until I get better, and learn more, I will stick to the small tracks.  ( that may take some time.... but if it were easy, it wouldn't be fun.)

AABB Time

Before I go, I knew almost nothing about them back in the day, I only listened to WPCV and the country music they played.  Those songs were perfect for us bareback riders growing up in wide open spaces, Willie, Waylon, and Tanya gave me a swing in my little ass and smiles on our faces.

I don't think I would have like them as much back then, times were different and they seemed..... well, you know, you can't write down those words .  Time and life experiences seem to have made them humble, wise and kind, but what do I know, all the conversations have been through songs and words in my mind.  

Ta Daaaaaaaaa

Everyone has a pile of dirty laundry we don't own, items thrown in our basket that don't belong.  Shirts refashioned from the past, jean with holes filled in with words from a nut job that unfortunately hang on and last.

No matter if you live in a small town or big city, one day you're fat, dumb and ugly, the next you're skinny, smart and pretty.  God forbid you should find fortune or even worse fame, then you're really a big target for their dirty laundry games.

Fame and fortune with the friends it bring can come and go, along with all those words of affirmation from people "in the know".  The same people who built you up may tear you down, when they decide your laundry is no longer in fashion so they don't want you around.

Yucky, sucky people like an octopus with arms in multiple places, they have to own more than one mirror to reflect all their faces.  What happened to their heart my mind often asks, why make up horrible lies that destroy and sometimes last and last.  

Insignificant But Cute Sails

She stood on the dock of the bay, her last stop, and trembled at the sight of the large ship. It was joined to another small ship while large wakes circled around it unaware.  She was sure just one of those wakes would destroy her small sail boat if she got too close.  She turned and walked away wondering how she would ever forget that sight.  

She stopped to stare at a photograph she had seen posted everywhere.  The cold North West winds of reality started to blow and she heard her sails tear.  It was too late for late night conversations, and now she knew early morning coffee would never happen.  Life changes were sending her back to stay for a while. 

She felt tears run down her face as she stared up at the large bridges around her.  They made her feel small and insignificant the same way big ships did when they came too close.  She moved away from the bridges up the steep hills to her safe place for the night, thankful for the warm fire and blanket waiting for her there.

With arms flailing wide the important man said, "who do they think they are to question our protocols like this".  Their free offering is something our caregivers will never miss.  Looking around the table I see, powerful men and women confused about providing a voice to the weak.

From Africa to America I have witness people with no hope in their eyes, dying from hunger or some strange disease eating them alive.  Unable to speak for so many reasons, lives with amazing stories lived through years and years of seasons.

Seventy seven days is what I call him, alone and afraid he knew chances of survival were slim.  They knew his name but not who he was away from that hospital space.  Looking deeply into his eyes, there was someone, who was somebody behind that sweet face.

Not able to use his voice to share, his eyes screamed I am more than this nonverbal stare.  Please give me a chance to tell you who I am, I am more than an old sick man in this hospital gown.   

Round and round this land I go, most  times finding corporate eyes with no compassion to show.   "We can't have caregivers spending too much time in the rooms,  learning life stories could take extra time which is frowned on

by important people in my boardroom".

They love to show me their "pillars" of great care, promising to to learn about individuals lives while they are there.  "We want to understand individuals lives outside of this place, but honestly in here we really don't have time or wall space."

Walking away from those boardrooms, some days I want to give up, but then I think about 77 and tell myself to keep going and to suck it up buttercup.  I get so tired and cry sometimes, but then I have you...the one who who cares and knows about my little rhymes.